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Based off my last post, that the Lord

Based off my last post, that the Lord has plans to prosper us and thus me, today is tough. I’m thinking about my final treatment this Friday, 6th and final one. I made it thru the 5th one ok. Really, i just wanna be done. I’m in remission, but I don’t wanna do any of this. I think of the ppl who’ve had to endure more than the 6 “standard” treatments. 

It’s just really hard. I’ve been seeing the hospital social worker w/ Lex and that helps and I’ve seen a recommended psychiatrist thru the social worker to try to better figure out my meds. We changed some of my meds around to try to balance me out. In two weeks, we’re gonna re-evaluate to see how it’s working. Life  be so sucky sometimes. And we’re the blessed ones, most of us here in America anyway. Maybe we’re not though. People with less are often happier. We have to much stuff, in general and personally, all the crap in  our basement. 

It’s hard not to let fear in. As Jesus said, and any counselor would support, “take every though captive against the knowledge of God. Not the easiest thing, but writing helps. In a month, things will be a lot better, i know. Then, it seems like I’ll just be back to dull everyday life, just without cancer treatments. i try to keep myself busy even with mundane tasks; that does help, makes me feel useful. maybe i’m in for a bad day, hopefully not a bad week.

I think about the ppl who can pop out of bed and greet each day, Carpe Diem kinda thing. We don’t know what goes on inside each person, granted, but is there something they know    I don’t; what am I missing or is it right here in front of me. “Still have found what I’m looking for” is making sense right now Bono. That I can get it out is a plus and Scout, my cat, is  being really affectionate. Animals often know but maybe she just wants her brush. She’s shedding like crazy! So right now I’m gonna watch a funny movie, and hopefully nap a little. Keep praying, esp. that I do the right and best things for my mind, spirit and body. Blessings on each of you too for caring. thanks

michael

 

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June 18, 2013 · 2:23 pm

I’VE just been really fatigued. i can’t always

I’VE just been really fatigued. i can’t always tell if it’s tiredness or laziness and i can question myself, wihch takes unnecessary energy. i’ve been told to just sleep if i need it. i don’t wanna be lazy, but my job IS TO HEAL. just to heal. i get up, eat, and then  i get tired. i am glad i get outta bed and go downstairs. i have various simple tasks to do which if i get done are an accomplishmnent, i guess my prayer is for clarity,for rest and healing, and to discern what i need to do in certain instances. thank you all, i really mean it.

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June 11, 2013 · 4:06 pm

Hiiii. This past week was extremely difficult. After a few days in the ER from the 11th to the 15th. (Back in the good ‘ol ER- shout out if you get the parody) I was filled with anger, depression, and being pissed off. And I told God all about it. I called him out on Scripture to be my refuge and strength, b/c he promises that. I even went so far as to say He didn’t care, b/c the Bible says he wants us to “prosper and be in good health,” but I have so much trouble sleeping that I felt like he didn’t care. So I was really upfront with my feelings, which is something He wants. I slept well last night, thanks also to a sleeping pill. I may just have to take them more regularly. I hate taking pills but with everything I’m on what’s one more.

In the hosp. last week, I was diagnosed w/ a urinary infection, and Lex and I have do the IV drips ourselves at home thru my port ( a nurse came and put in the needle). So with that and the bone pain I was having, plus some additional family stuff that has been coming out lately related to my mom, who passed away in Jan. ’12, I’ve been having a difficult time processing.

There was a lot of yelling and crying this week. It was quite cathartic and I’m thankful I’m starting to understand. It usually takes me a while to process; it’s just how I am. It’s helped w/ Lex and me too. I’m not as ornery b/c I’m more clear on why I’m upset. Another thing that helped was during my chemo on Friday, my oncologist Dr. Levitz, who is a blessing told me I have every right to be pissed off, angry and depressed with everything I’ve gone thru. Sometimes you need to be given permission.

Two good pieces of news is they removed the stents that were in my ureters.  Dr. Levitz wanted them out b/c e believes they are contributing to the infections I get. He wants to tubes outta my kidneys too, but we need to wait a bit; however, they did cap the tubes so I no longer have to have bags on my legs.

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April 21, 2013 · 8:36 pm

this has been such a surprisingly good week. I’ve had minor side effects and have gone out everyday! No real bone pain. My friend Marilyn asked how to pray and I said pray the side effects are less, and so far it’s done the trick. It might not last, but it’s def. better than it was.

The only negative is my blood pressure is low b/c apparently I’m dehydrated and I received fluids today. But I’m drinking crazy amounts of water! I’ll drink more, but I don’t know if it’ll work. Funny story, but no haha funny. The nurse and I today were discussing drinking more, and she said ppl tell her they drink coffee or cola all day, and not water, thinking that’ll do it. It made me laugh. it’s either lack of education or not caring and fooling yourself.

I get dizzy, esp. when standing up to fast so  I just have to be careful. I did pass out last weekend and banged my head on the toilet seat in the middle of the night. All I remember is standing before the bowl, something whacking my head and then being on the floor. It was surreal and scary. You can the cut a little in the last photo. I didn’t go to ER b/c I was not concussed.

I’m hopeful to watch Wrestlemania on Sunday so long as I feel well. I don’t often watch wrestling anymore, but I had planned on watching an event w/ my buds in Jan, but I ended up in the hosptial. So I’d hate to miss this one. Keep on praying; it is most definitely felt.

Blessings to each of you.

 

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April 6, 2013 · 7:29 am

Go to the About Page for a recap of my Lex and my journey thus far.

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March 21, 2013 · 2:37 pm