Hiiii. This past week was extremely difficult. After a few days in the ER from the 11th to the 15th. (Back in the good ‘ol ER- shout out if you get the parody) I was filled with anger, depression, and being pissed off. And I told God all about it. I called him out on Scripture to be my refuge and strength, b/c he promises that. I even went so far as to say He didn’t care, b/c the Bible says he wants us to “prosper and be in good health,” but I have so much trouble sleeping that I felt like he didn’t care. So I was really upfront with my feelings, which is something He wants. I slept well last night, thanks also to a sleeping pill. I may just have to take them more regularly. I hate taking pills but with everything I’m on what’s one more.
In the hosp. last week, I was diagnosed w/ a urinary infection, and Lex and I have do the IV drips ourselves at home thru my port ( a nurse came and put in the needle). So with that and the bone pain I was having, plus some additional family stuff that has been coming out lately related to my mom, who passed away in Jan. ’12, I’ve been having a difficult time processing.
There was a lot of yelling and crying this week. It was quite cathartic and I’m thankful I’m starting to understand. It usually takes me a while to process; it’s just how I am. It’s helped w/ Lex and me too. I’m not as ornery b/c I’m more clear on why I’m upset. Another thing that helped was during my chemo on Friday, my oncologist Dr. Levitz, who is a blessing told me I have every right to be pissed off, angry and depressed with everything I’ve gone thru. Sometimes you need to be given permission.
Two good pieces of news is they removed the stents that were in my ureters. Dr. Levitz wanted them out b/c e believes they are contributing to the infections I get. He wants to tubes outta my kidneys too, but we need to wait a bit; however, they did cap the tubes so I no longer have to have bags on my legs.